Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up Now.

First off, you should wish the Space Driftin' blog a happy 3rd birthday, on April Fool's Day we passed the 36 month mark and even though I'm terribly unpredictable with when I post updates I'm also terribly good looking, a devastating dancer, and a snappy dresser too. Evens out, brother. So even though it's over a week past April 1st it still warrants mentioning, what's 9 days to me anyway? I'm hip about time man. This greasy sax player from The Lost Boys played the celebration Gala, and he was just as greasy and dirty and ripped as ever. He was gyrating his hips like crazy and there were even steel drums with fires in them all around us while he wailed away on the horn, it was epic. Sadly, pink wig back there OD'd in 1993.
"Happy 3rd Birthday Space Driftin' dude!!"
Speaking of time, remember in Easy Rider when Peter Fonda looks at his watch and then throws it away? Is the watch broken? Does he realize that paying attention to the clock is just one of the many corners of slavery and servitude to The Man? Well what do you think? Energy and Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, only converted to different forms so none of us are going anywhere, time means nothing.
He's hip about time.

One thing that has always bugged me about me is how I have never known what I want to be when I grow up. Well I'm grown up now sort of and for most of my adult life I haven't really known what I want to be or what I want to do. I've never wanted to be anybody else, not that it would matter if I did, but why have I not been able to nail down "My Thing," yet? I think I have done this, but in saying "I think" that makes me think I haven't? What? Yeah, you see why I'm confused? Living with this expectation that life's greatest answers will hit me like a ton of bricks has confused me because in my personal experience nothing hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel lightly kissed or brushed up against by the world so I have to really be tuned in and sensitive to understand what the fuck is going on around me.

I thought the answer to this question was supposed to jump out at me and light up my frontal cortex like a pinball machine. Yeah, the Indiana Jones one, dude. It had a gun grip handle to shoot the balls, that was badass. I was supposed to go on a field trip or to the movies and I was supposed to read, see, or encounter something out there in the world that would cause a cartoonish light bulb to appear above my head and my forehead would get all scrunchled up as my eyes got mega-wide and this would alert you, me, and everybody to the fact that I just had "una momente de A-ha" and my path in life was now set. The way "Finding Your Path In Life" was related to me was that I would be required to do nothing except not be dead when My Path In Life revealed itself to me. I'm not saying I was right or wrong to trust in that belief or that it was right or wrong that I was taught that by whomever taught it to me but it's bullshit. I think you have to aggressively pursue whatever you feel drawn to in life at all times or you won't really be living. You will inevitably fail a lot, and out of those failures you'll stitch together an answer for yourself. For the people who figured out what they wanted to do in life when they went to the art museum or the zoo or on that field trip to the bank when they were 9 and instantly had the answer, fuck you, I consider you either to be a simpleton who settled or incredibly fortunate. Either way, fuck you to hell.
Well this never happened for me, and I still don't think it has happened. I don't think I'm the type of person that is so easily influenced that deeply that I could have had a simple encounter with someone or something as a child and lights would have gone off in my head, "THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BE WHEN I GROW UP, I'M GONNA DO THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."

I always think people who say tell those stories are full of shit too, but I will give it to them that it's possible and maybe I just don't understand because life didn't reach out and bite me in that way and tell me what I was going to do with myself while I'm here on Planet Earth.

Recently I may have stumbled upon some thoughts that did reach out and bite me, so there's more to come on Thursday as I don't want to keep writing and make this the longest post in the history of Space Driftin'.


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