Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Chasin' The Great White Buffalo.

I gotta lighten' it up in here. All this TV news about what a bunch of fuckups our government has working in the highest elected positions is getting me down. I don't want everybody that reads this blog to think I'm a horrible person who loves seeing the US go down in flames. I may be a horrible person, but I don't love watching the country wither and die; I just like to joke about it. I really do think it's heading in that direction and we should put it down so it doesn't suffer too much, like a dog with cancer.
It's paw cancer, you can see it from here. Tragic.
To make amends to my fellow humans I'm gonna have a fun time with this update and I'm gonna cram it with so much Ted Fucking Nugent that your dick is gonna grow it's own dick. Don't have a dick you say, well you won't be saying that 5 minutes from now. You'll have a dick goddamit, and the biggest set of testicles in the tri-county area to boot.
Does your town have one of these annoying public art campaigns where one fiberglass statue is reproduced many, many times and then people can spend a bunch of money to sponsor one of these statues and they get to paint it any way they wish? They'll be set up all over town and it naturally makes people wonder, "What the fuck are all these identically shaped but differently painted sculptures of _________ doing around town, honey?" My hometown has one of these and they chose a statue of an American Bison, or a buffalo, because people in Oklahoma love the fuck out of buffaloes. I decided I would ride my bike around in the stupid heat and get pictures of as many of these things as I could because, because, because, I don't date or have kids or deal with social situations very well. Here is what I have so far:
This one is called Starry Night Over Bartlesville and it has the city's skyline on one side and the community center on the other. 
This one doesn't really have a name, it's representing the OK Mozart festival that is held in Bartlesville.
This one is right next to it and it's supposed to honor Frank Lloyd Wright and Bruce Goff's contribution to design and architecture. It looks like an acid trip to me.
Here's another one about a block away, next to a church, it's orange on one side, pink on the other and covered in birds.
What do you think so far Mr. Nugent?
"Oh, you gotta catch that great white buffalo, man."
That's great Ted. I guess that's positive. Moving on, here we have one called "Pinky Jean the Dancin' Machine," and it's fucking horrible in my opinion. It even has a disco mirror ball decorated nut sack. Fuck people.
"Hey let's dress it like a slut." I'm no prude but if this can be done on the main street of this conservative little town then why can't cooler shit happen?
Woolaroc Wiley, pretty cool idea, doesn't make up for it's neighbor above though.
Ted, what are you thinking of these bison statues?
Uh Oh, Ted's got his guns out, this could get ugly, even uglier than that shirt.
Here's a few I think Ted will like, maybe we can sooth him with something more to his liking.
The one above is called Buffalo Bill and it is meant to honor our local American Legion baseball team, and the one below is a Centennial celebration and has the local high school mascot on one side.
Ted, we cool?
Oh I agree Ted, I liked those last two as well. I played baseball for the Legion team and the high school team so those hit close to my heart as well. Do you own any non-gross shirts?
Here's two more, the first one was way out at the Wal-Mart Distribution center 10 miles south of town, I had to ride way the fuck out there on my bike and risk getting killed by all the maniacs that actually commute to Tulsa for work. Morons. The second one is inside the Tri-County Technology Center.
Also, abusing your labor pool really helps a lot, and buying cheap shit from overseas.
This one is traditional and boring, just like Tri-County Tech.
What's this fucking penguin doing here? It's 115 degrees outside, why don't you go rot in hell with your fucking polar bear friends, asshole! Ted, take care of this for me.
Oh you are fucked Mr. Penguin, you are fucked!
Here's the last two I got pictures of before I nearly died in the mother lovin' heat storm today. There is only two more I didn't get to but fuck 'em I nearly died today. Both of these disappoint the shit out of me because they are located right in front of the businesses that sponsored them and they are painted with each businesses respective logos. Way to not play along with the art project you assholes. You just paid $5,000 for a fiberglass sculpture of a buffalo, painted it to look like the sign in front of your building, and placed it right in front of your building. You lose.
This makes my penis soft.
Buffalo nickels. Oh I get it, it's cute.
Ted, Ted, what the fuck, man. They broke the rules, everybody else had an artist do something beautiful and unique, but Remax and the 66 Federal Credit Union just shit all over that idea.
I'm outta here, you're in Ted's hands now.

Keith.

3 comments:

  1. Insanity on the plains and in the heart of motor city is dancing to the tune of just another drummer. All drummers play the same tune just out of whack with each other. Nothing more says the zenful moth who would rather be a bison and possibly a fat juicy burger eaten by rats during the rainy season.

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  2. All that you do is anger me.

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  3. I'm afraid my dick did not grow a dick. You only reminded that Ted Nugent is a dick, with a bunch of surrogate dicks -- I mean his guns and guitars -- because he doesn't have a real dick of his own.

    You got that Nuge? You're a dickless dick! That's right! I'm not afraid of you, you washed up, redneck, three-chord, hack. Come on over and we settle this. If you can do a C major scale without fucking up, you get to shoot me. If not, I get to shoot you. Deal?

    Nathaniel A. Maclennan
    RE/MAX of Bartlesville, OK

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