Friday, July 29, 2011

His Future Is So Bright He Has To Wear An Adult Diaper.

I touched on the topic of the future yesterday, huh? Oh shit, I almost fell into a wormhole by typing the words, "future yesterday." Don't play around with Ra, kids, just don't do it.
Anyway, I was thinking, as I usually do, and I got off the topic of shit and farts and I started to think about just how people live, money, relationships, jobs, and I started to wonder how things would be different in the future based on where I think things are going at this point in time. It's called Future Forecasting, and I invented it as well as that term. You've no doubt heard of Nose Trodamus, well he was a predicter, which is totally different and is basically just guessing about shit happening hundreds or thousands of years away. A fucking baby can do that and if you use really vague descriptions that can be applied with great generality to just about anything then it's totally fucking worthless.

I'm a future forecaster. This is serious shit. Here's what I see coming down the pike: In the future there will be a confluence of events due to changing social structures and a super shitty economy. As it is nowadays, if a person lives with one's parents, (except in cases of severe child-ness), that is considered a sign of being a loser, and even in cases where a person is not sure if another adult lives with their parents, just saying so euphemistically is universally recognized as a classic put-down. Another act is also used as a factual and euphemistic put-down and that act is the act of, how do I put this scientifically, "masturbating to pornographic images, moving or not, that are procured over a high speed data connection." In common terms this is usually referred to as "jacking off to Internet porn," and as I said, this act, whether or not it is actually being carried out by an individual, is a universally recognized put-down that one person may apply to any other person.

For Example: Dude 1 says, "Look at that douchebag with the Star Trek shirt on, I bet he's really excited to be out of his parent's basement and not flogging his dolphin to YouPorn."
                     Dude 2 says, "Uh huh huh huh huh, yea right, Butthead, you're funny."
                     Dude 1 says, "Shutup, Beavis, you're a butt-muncher."

Or something like that, you get the picture, I don't want to talk down to my audience. I'm sure you're all graduates of the MTV School of Pop Culture References.

Here is my future forecast regarding these topics:
In the future, as a result of the shittiness of the economy and the fact that it will continue to get shittier at an ever increasing rate, living with your parents will no longer be uncool, it will be fucking necessary for almost everybody. It will become the norm and therefore it will become "cool" and people who don't live with their parents will feel like losers and be the targets of severe mocking and ridicule from their parental co-habitating counterparts. Also, porn will continue to grow in popularity and it will continue to improve in quality and diversity. Jacking off to porn will become the preferred method of engaging in sexual activity for many reasons. No diseases, easy to access for anybody, cheap or free, and you won't have to put up with other fucking people in any way in a relationship, which is essential because in the future everybody lives with their parents and you can't have crazy sex in your parents house. That is one thing that doesn't change in the future.

Uncool dudes will be having orgies with entire squads of high school cheer leaders in their fancy loft apartments, but because shit pulled a 180 on them they will be belly-aching about how the "cool" people are at home, with their parents, beating off to high definition videos of people fucking. They'll piss and moan about how their lives would be so much better if they could just move back in with their parents and STOP getting laid so much.

This is my future forecast as I interpret the facts and realities of our universe. I did not selfishly craft this forecast due to my personal life circumstances in any way. Have a great weekend.


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